The Courting...

Written by Susan.

The courting:

I was married once before. I thought that nobody would ever love me and so… I settled.  It was a horrible mistake; that marriage broke me to pieces.  I didn't think I'd ever love again, but I really wanted children.  I wanted to be a Mom so much that I finally decided to try and find a partner for a year, and failing that, the following year I would apply for adoption alone. 

The store was doing well and I was finally feeling emotionally ready for love. This was around 1995.  The internet was just taking off, and at the beginning of it, dating sites were usually free and fun.

Cosmo magazine had a site called Swoon.com.  I joined, and began receiving matches.  There was one guy from California who worked at Intel. He ended up coming to meet me in Michigan.  After our visit, he told me that I was "too much for him."  I wore leopard print outfits and had long acrylic nails; according to him, that was just too wild.  

I had been dieting, and was down to the lowest size I'd been in years.  I've had weight issues since high school, and I was always having to literally starve myself to lose weight.  Years later, I would eventually figure out it was Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and by then, even if I ate 800 calories a day and exercised for hours, I still wouldn’t lose any weight. In the mid '90s, however, my bod was pretty good. 

I had been exchanging emails with Den concurrently with the guy from California. After he visited and said what he said, I sent an email to Den. It basically said: “Listen. I'm not a tiny woman. I like flashy painted nails and animal print clothes. I'm opinionated and kind of bossy.  If that turns you off, then let's just leave right now.  I can't afford to go through another disappointment.”

I heard back almost immediately.  He said that reading this made him very interested. He told me I sounded exciting, and that he'd like to meet up. 

We spent hours on the phone, and he repeatedly emphasized that he was looking for fidelity in his next marriage. He told me his first wife cheated on him, and that monogamy was a ‘must have’. I told him about my first husband completely embarrassing me by messing around with a very young girl at Silver Lake, and how I only heard about it from my "Silver kids," who worked in our community.

I knew that the store would be winding down during the fall, so we decided to meet half way between us in Sarnia, Ontario, Canada.  It was just across the border.  He would meet with the bookstore there and get a hotel.  They were having a Scottish Highland Festival, and had beer tents and activities, so there would be things to do.  

We met and spent the weekend together. My Dad was very nervous about me spending the weekend with a guy I met online -- and in Canada! -- but once upon a time, I was a skip tracer, so I made sure I thoroughly checked Dennis out.  He seemed legitimate both online and at the library.  At least his parents lived where he said they did, they did attend the United Methodist Church, and seemed to be good people.  Dennis was on the company's website with a picture and his contact information. He was as advertised. Dennis was funny and entertaining, and in the beginning, I really believed he was in love with me. 

He would write me poetry and call me often.  He would send emails and tell me of his travels.  He wooed me. He made life fun and exciting. 

He eventually met my parents.  I met his parents. His parents lived in Lincoln, Nebraska.  I was shown to the guest bedroom and told that I'd be staying there alone.  Dennis was banished to his old room in the basement. It was kinda fun at first… but the house was seriously kept at about 85 degrees, and I remember waking up covered in sweat.  I finally opened the window just to make it through the night.  This was in late February. We'd stopped on our way to Las Vegas, where we were meeting up with my Parents (who wintered in Phoenix) to go to the ASD buying show. 

Once there, we shared a two queen bed suite with my parents.  You really get to know each other that way! 

Den went around the show with us, helping pick out product for the upcoming season. We had a great time, and I thought that everything was really coming together.  I could see us making it for the long haul and I thought he'd be good father. I felt like I could completely trust him.  After all, he'd stated that Fidelity was the number one thing he was looking for in this marriage. 

So, when we married later, Den owned a house in Niagara County, NY.  It was a small village; it didn’t even have a grocery store.

There was a bar, a restaurant, and a convenience store that was off-brand. The restaurant did pizza, subs, and chicken tenders, not much else, but thank goodness it was before my celiac diagnosis so I could get food there.  

The only bathroom in the house was on the second floor, so I'd have to run up there several times a day to pee.  I pee a lot, so that was something.  I never cared for the house.  It wasn't my style, and when I moved in, it was definitely in "dude who'd recently divorced and let the ex take everything" mode. 

The town and house never made me feel welcomed.  Den was on the road a lot, so I was left to my own devices much of the time.  I read a lot, back then, and watched cable.  Thankfully, we also picked up a lot of Canadian television channels, so I got engrossed in those because there was no such thing as streaming back then.  Dial up was the only way to get online. This was when Den was still kind of romancing me, being his "dashing writer" self.  The persona I would later hate with a passion, due to the fact that I knew how manipulative and truly awful he was. 

I was pretty happy with my life, but often bored.  I did travel with him occasionally, and did some buybacks as well.  I loved going to Nova Scotia especially because of the people and the views.  The last time I visited there was when I was newly pregnant.  We were there in winter and I was craving carrot cake!  Den bought me an entire huge cake at a bakery right before he left to go to Newfoundland.  

I stayed in Halifax and did the local buyback, taking lunch along with me as I was the only one there.  Luckily the roads weren't bad and it was rather fun.  Again, I was alone for most of it, but when Dennis was there it was a happy time for us. 

That same year, we did Christmas in Michigan at my sister's with my nieces, and then in February, I went to Arizona to see my parents.  We hit the Tucson gem show, and Den came out and we drove to Las Vegas for the ASD AMD Gift show. I was about 6 months along by then, and it made walking around the show a lot more challenging. 

Despite all of this, we had a blast.  It was a very happy time for us.  I felt better physically than I had in quite a while (I actually lost a lot of weight while pregnant... Which the doc was fine with as I was very overweight.)  I was happy and content just growing this amazing child! 

I had wanted to be a Mom so much that this was the end goal.  Motherhood was just around the corner. 

The kid's due date was actually the 4th of July.  Because of our seasonal gift store being right in the center of a summer resort, that due date was rather a rough thing. 

It was one of the store's busiest times. We were rushing to get all ready for the season when I tested Gestationally diabetic.  I had to take insulin twice a day until baby arrived.  It made my already "Geriatric" pregnancy higher risk.  I was very careful and did everything to keep my sugar levels good.  

I had to get stress tests once a week, which stressed me out. I wanted this baby to be okay.  We played classical music through headphones and read to them every day.  I took it easier than I wanted... Just to ensure a healthy kiddo. 

My in-laws and sister in law came to Michigan long before when the due date was.  Since I was Gestationally diabetic, the decision was made to have the baby as soon as it was at a healthy weight.  They didn't want the baby getting too big.  It was decided that I'd probably deliver about a week earlier than my due date.  

That worked out better for the store as well, so we were happy.  It got very frustrating having Den's family there so early, as his sister had to be taken to dialysis three times weekly in Muskegon, and none of them drove, so it was up to my family to get her there, wait 4 to 5 hours and bring her back. 

It got down to me having daily pitocin drips to see if labor started. On the first day, nothing happened, so we went back home.  I was huge at this point, and just wanted to get the birth over with. Den's family was staying with us, and our house was a three bedroom with ten people staying there.  (We had a trailer as well, in the driveway.) 

So, on the second day of being in a communal room separated from other mothers by drape, still able to hear the partners of induced women blasting the Jerry Springer show, I asked the nurse if there was any way they could just induce me completely.  She took pity on me, and as soon as a room was ready, I was moved in and they broke my water. They upped my pitocin, and after a grueling day of labor the kid was born (after they got the cord untangled inutero) by using a vacuum suction. 

Pepper was born at 6:30 pm and taken to be weighed and measured.  I think the Apgar was 9, and I remember being so worried about that.  I remember seeing white blonde hair and thinking ‘whose baby is that?’ (The drugs were still in my system at this point). The baby's sugar level was taken, and was normal, which was a huge concern due to the GD. 

My sister and nieces were in with me. I figured labor and birth would be good for them to see! Great birth control. But when they got the baby all swaddled and the nurse told Den to take the Kiddo over to me..... 

Dennis grabbed the Kid and proceeded to walk out the door, into the hallway and waiting room that his parents and sister were in. 

Seriously.  

He didn't bring that baby to me. The Mom. The one who'd just. given. birth.  He took the baby out of the room to his family. Den was gone for a long time until my Dad finally went and suggested that perhaps I wanted to see my own kid.  Gotta love my Dad.

It was nice to be able to finally hold my own kid, the child I carried with love for so long. I was concerned; why didn’t Dennis realize what he did was inappropriate? How did it not occur to him to give me my own child after I finish giving birth?

Looking back on it now, I should’ve listened to my instincts then. Something was off.